“Is devotion to others a cover for the hunger and needs of the self of which one is ashamed? I was always ashamed to take. So I gave. It was not a virtue. It was a disguise.”
-Anais Nin
When I first emerged from my dark night of the soul and experienced a spiritual awakening, I woke up to my soul’s purpose as a healer utterly impassioned. I’ll be honest, having recently ascended from rock bottom, lifted on the wings of a spiritual calling, my first inclination was not to give myself a hard look in the mirror and ask: why did I really want to be a healer?
Ever since high school I have wanted to help people. Previously I believed I was driven by some innate altruism, a genuine selflessness. It wasn’t until recently that I began to examine my personal motives under the microscope like never before. Before this point I lacked the experience and maturity to be able to perceive myself objectively in this way.
Now my eyes have been opened to the unsettling reality that my motives are not as pure as I originally thought. In truth, it has come to my attention that perhaps the reason why I became a reiki practitioner in the first place was actually a misguided attempt to heal what was “broken” within myself. This revelation has been a tough pill to swallow to say the least.
It would not be an overstatement to say that this personal epiphany has completely upended my perspective on life, my role in this lifetime and shifted the very fabric of my personal reality. It’s as though my unconscious mind has finally agreed to concede this painful gem of truth. Because while making the unconscious conscious is the key to wholeness, the unconscious will only divulge its secrets when it is confident that you possess the faculties to adequately process them. It is akin to the old adage, “God only gives you as much as you can handle.”
As I shared in my post about Chiron, healers are often those who have experienced their own fair share of wounding and trauma. Because who can relate better than someone who has suffered deeply themselves? With my natal Chiron in the 10th house of career and public persona, it is no surprise that I would make healing my purpose and profession. It also indicates that my wounds are on display for all the world to see. I believe very strongly that if you can witness someone succeed in overcoming adversity, you will begin to see that it is possible for you too.
“If you have been trained to ignore what you need, one way to reclaim you awareness is to notice what you’re giving to those around you. Inevitably, we give to others what we most need to be giving ourselves.”
What are you giving away to others? Often that is what you most desire for yourself. For example, that considerate aunt that never fails to send you a birthday card surreptitiously pines for someone to celebrate and acknowledge her birthday.
How can you turn the tables and give yourself what you need rather than always giving it away to other people?
Shouldn’t you treat yourself as well (if not better) than you treat them?
How can you hope to fill up their cup if yours is woefully and perpetually empty?
As a sensitive soul who devotes your life to the service of others, it is imperative that you take care of and nurture yourself on a regular basis. Avoid the lightworker trap of burning the candle at both ends and giving, giving, giving without receiving. This is a recipe for overwhelm and burnout- both of which are the #1 biggest pain points for empaths.
By that same token, one of the most powerful ways you can heal yourself is by tending to the needs of your inner child. Every day, get into the habit of asking- what does my inner child want? Maybe they want to eat waffles, experiment with watercolors, wear glittery eyeshadow or take a bath. By meeting your own needs you will finally be able to experience a sense of wholeness that has likely eluded you your entire life thus far. You will also be able to give to others more effectively rather than using them as surrogates for the love that you never received yourself.
At first this may feel a little uncomfortable, perhaps even selfish. But over time, as you entrain yourself to the frequency of self-love, this practice will come naturally. You will sense an expansive joy radiating from within. It is like the energy of a hummingbird, the ultimate light chaser who follows its bliss and recognizes the value of play. And people will be magnetically drawn to the way you honor yourself with respect and love.
As my worldview has shifted, so too has my purpose. Instead of holding the intention to heal others, I hope to empower others to heal themselves. And this will inevitably be reflected in my vibration and the nature of my work.
