You may have detected a shift in my energy recently. I unexpectedly went “dark” on my newsletters, I discontinued my weekly reiki healing, I stopped offering 1:1 work and I’ve been showing up differently on social media. Sometimes you need to undergo a kind of death and shed that which is no longer aligned in order to birth the new. The truth is, I feel more in tune with who I am, more connected to my authenticity than ever before. And I’ve noticed that many of my fellow light worker friends are experiencing this too. 2020 has been the most powerful portal for healing and soul searching than I could have ever imagined.
Let’s rewind to a couple years ago. Discovering energy healing in 2018 was like finding a life raft in the midst of the tumultuous storm that was my dark night of the soul. It was a crucial part of my awakening and it irrevocably altered my life path in a way that I never could have foreseen. I believed that my purpose was to heal and I made it my mission to serve others. I was convinced that there was no higher calling than sacrificing and giving.
The irony is, I identified as a healer, but I was utterly blind to the fact that I was the one that needed healing most of all. It reminds me of aspiring psychologists who are drawn to the field because they themselves need therapy (I say this as someone with a bachelor’s degree in psych). It was textbook projection, but I lacked the perspective to see it. Fast forward to a fateful April afternoon (this year), when I came across the following quote by Tracy Marks. Her words elicited a sharp pang of realization within me:
“If you have been trained to ignore what you need, one way to reclaim you awareness is to notice what you’re giving to those around you. Inevitably, we give to others what we most need to be giving ourselves.”
It dawned on me then. What was I offering? Healing. So by her logic, that is ultimately what I was craving.
This was my first aha! moment and the beginning of my 2020 metamorphosis. It was quickly followed by a deluge of others. I will break down this momentous saga into manageable bites to make it less overwhelming. But ultimately I feel compelled to be vulnerable and share everything because I never know what’s going to speak to someone. Grab yourself of a mug of your favorite warm beverage and relax, because this is gonna be a long one.
1. Opening pandora’s box– The first mini-awakening happened in January when I read Carl Jung’s infamous Red Book. I will warn you, it is weighty, intense and not for the faint of heart. Oh my goodness, some of his quotes were so potent that they initiated an identity crisis within me. For example, Jung states that to see others as “sick” or in need of healing is an insult and violation of their dignity. Wow. I didn’t know what to think after that. I began questioning my role as a healer, something I had built my entire life around. It was incredibly painful in the moment, because it caused me to question everything, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Here are a handful of quotes that cumulatively sent me into a full-blown identity crisis:
“He will run after all the things, and will seize hold of them, but he will not find his soul, since he would find her only in himself.”
“Whoever wants to be a doctor of the soul sees people as being sick. He offends human dignity. It is presumptuous to say that man is sick… whoever wants to be the soul’s shepherd treats people like sheep. He violates human dignity. It is insolent to say that people are like sheep. Who gives you the right to say that man is sick and a sheep? Give him human dignity so he may find his ascendancy or downfall, his way.”
“Too many still seek outward… But still too few seek inward, to their own selves, and still fewer ask themselves whether the ends of human society might not best be served if each man tries to abolish the old order in himself, and to practice in his own person and in his own inward state those precepts, those victories which he preaches at every street-corner, instead of always expecting these things of his fellow man.”
“He has thrown himself away in all the books and thoughts of others. Consequently, his soul is in great need. It must humiliate itself and run into every stranger’s room to beg for the recognition that he fails to give her.”
“We want to work only with visible success. Above all else, we want to be paid. We would consider it inane to do hidden work that does not visibly serve men. There is no doubt that the necessity of life forced us to prefer only those fruits one can taste.”
“To be that which you are is the bath of rebirth.”
2. Girl, interrupted– For so long I believed it was noble and cost-effective to try to take on all of my inner work alone, but 2020 was the push I needed to take the plunge and seek therapeutic help. I accomplished more with my therapist, Nita Bryant in 3-4 sessions than I was able to achieve by myself in a 1 year period. Therapy has also been instrumental in my healing journey and transformation. It is a vital source of emotional nourishment and support. One of the biggest takeaways has been to do what pleases me and use that as a foundation for boundary setting. If it’s not a full-body “yes,” then it’s a “hell no.” Another big revelation I had is that it’s not your responsibility to save, heal or fix anyone. By trying to “save” them, you are actually casting them in the role of the victim instead of seeing them in their divine light and highest potential. This is a gentler reiteration of Jung’s views.
3. Living my design– My soul sister Sylvia of Arawme, recently introduced me to the work of Pilar Marie Lesko. Pilar is a wise and sensitive soul who writes about the nuances of navigating life as a projector in human design. If you aren’t familiar with human design, you can pull up your chart for free, here. Discovering Pilar’s projector energy hacks (omg, seriously required reading as a projector) have been a much-needed reminder to tend to my soul and follow my joy, wherever that may lead me. Her counterculture philosophy is a balm to my spirit. She asserts that it’s okay to be inconsistent, you don’t need to have a social media presence just because everyone else does and you definitely don’t need to show up for anyone but yourself. Her teachings have helped me to soften into my divine feminine side and honor the ebb and flow of my sacred energy.
4. Empath or codependent? I was scrolling through Instagram one night and I discovered a post about codependency by @the.holistic.psychologist. “Codependency” and “Narcissist” are two terms that I never resonated with previously, so I never bothered to learn more about them. But for whatever reason, that evening I paid attention. I’m convinced it was my unconscious mind’s way of protecting me until I was ready to process the information. Reading that post was like opening pandora’s box. My curiosity was piqued and I felt called to read You’re Not Crazy, You’re Codependent by Jeanette Elisabeth Menter soon after. Suddenly all the pieces of my childhood fell into place. It helped me comprehend and make sense of things in a way that significantly contributed to my healing.
A day or so after finishing the book I was reflecting on the nature of empaths and people-pleasing and it occurred to me that in almost all cases, empaths are actually unhealed codependents. The lack of boundaries that is typical amongst highly sensitive people is the result of enmeshment, which as Dr. Lepera explains is when, “the emotions of one family member is felt by all family members in repeated cycles. The results are threefold: 1. We believe we are responsible for the emotions of others. 2. A lack of an authentic self (the self only exists through the responses of another person) 3. Chronic fear of how people will respond to you (often labeled as social anxiety disorder.” I had never had someone articulate my entire life experience in this manner before and it was absolutely liberating. Finally, it all made sense. With this information, I could finally take the steps to release this maladaptive ancestral pattern. Discovering the link between empaths and codependence was the catalyst that allowed my healing journey to come full circle.
5. Twin flames & other stories– In early September I read another book, Normal People by Irish author Sally Rooney. It’s a contemporary fiction novel that explores the complex dynamics of relationships. Talk about twin flames! Never has there been more of a will-they-or-won’t-they romance than the one between Connell and Marianne. These two infuriating lovebirds come from two very different socio-economic groups and social circles, but somehow their paths are intrinsically intertwined. You’re probably wondering how this is at all related to my personal growth. It might sound strange, but Normal People was a very fiery expander for me for two reasons. Reason number one: Marianne’s family dynamics and poor boundaries helped me wake up to my own codependency. Reason number two: Connell is an aspiring author and his dedication to take the leap and follow his dream was just the push I needed to start taking myself seriously as a writer. Normal People is prosaic and heart-wrenching and it brought up a lot of unresolved “stuff” from high school that as an adult, I am finally equipped to deal with.
6. False light– Next, I came across an account on Instagram (who shall remain nameless) that claimed reiki had been hijacked by dark entities who were plugging into the energy, rendering it a ‘false light’ doctrine/practice. Yikes! This plunged me into further confusion and disillusionment. It made me rethink my entire belief system. I had lively discussions about it with several of my energy practitioner friends/colleagues. While I don’t necessarily agree with her statement, it irrevocably altered my view of reiki and revolutionized my healing practice. It led me to think that healers would benefit from moving beyond what they were taught and creating their own unique energy healing practices rather than feeling rigorously bound by the established ‘rules’ of their lineage. Be willing to experiment and flaunt convention; make your practice a reflection of you. You have something special to bring to the table and no one can do it quite like you can.
I feel very strongly that it’s important to empower people and a big component of that entails teaching others to stand in their sovereignty and be their own healer. This is a course I intend to offer in the future as I’m very passionate about energy healing and I want it to be accessible for everyone. In a perfect world, energy healing would be taught in schools along with many other subjects like herbalism that are currently omitted, to our detriment. Side note: I also have a shadow work journaling course that is set to be released later this month which contains all the resources I wish I had when I began my own inner work journey.
7. A new addiction– My husband bought a stationary exercise bike (Peloton) so that we could have access to a fun form of indoor exercise. I haven’t done much cardio in recent years. Previously we lived in an apartment and the excessive jumping involved in HIIT workouts would traumatize our downstairs neighbors. I am now a spinning addict, chasing the rush of endorphins. Cardio has made such a difference in my mental health. I’ve been able to release so much anger and anxiety that I didn’t even realize I was carrying. I feel more buoyant, balanced and energetic than I have in a long time. 10/10 would recommend!
8. Lessons from Saturn– My talented artist friend Tanya Pavan embodies what it means to go forth in this world as a creative (yet grounded) intuitive. Just by showing up unapologetically and sharing glimpses of her life, she has given me permission to reconnect with my own wildly imaginative creativity. I finally released my fears, insecurities and hangups surrounding my creative abilities (natal Saturn in the 5th over here). I feel like my entire life has led me to this moment. I needed to heal and reclaim my power before I could access this integral energy within myself. I picked up my pen for the very first time- I hadn’t attempted any creative writing since high school- and began writing a fictional novel. I felt a bit shaky initially, like a foal learning to walk. And when I completed those first few pages it was like a homecoming and profound catharsis all at once. I gazed at myself in the mirror with tears of happiness streaming down my cheeks and said proudly, “You did it.” I believe many empaths are also closet creatives like myself who are afraid to unleash this sacred life-force energy, that coiled kundalini that lies in waiting.
As 2020 draws to a close, I find myself in deep communion with my soul’s truth. Showing up as anything less than my authentic self simply isn’t possible for me anymore. I identify more as a writer than a healer these days. I am more grounded on the physical plane than ever before. I finally feel aligned with my Taurus Sun and strongly connected to my higher self. What does this mean?
Life lately looks like following my joy- reading a lot of fiction (it’s my favorite hobby), writing my novel as well as an abundance of book reviews (don’t be surprised if they start popping up on the blog), experimenting with my air fryer, hot baths, spinning, checking in with my friends and family, meditating with crystals (apophyllite, celestite and rose quartz are my current go-to’s) and connecting with herbal allies (mainly lavender, reishi and nettle at the moment).
Despite all the chaos that appears to be happening in the external world, I am choosing to anchor to the light and cultivating peace within. I am not suggesting spiritual bypass here. Make no mistake, my life is not all love and light. Some moments are messy and emotional and it takes all my willpower just to leave the couch. Yesterday for example, I woke up feeling that reverent awe + bliss one might experience on Christmas morning only to have the day devolve into what seemed like Dante’s 7 circles of hell (I’ll spare you the melodrama). But no matter the ups and downs, one thing is for certain- for the first time in my life I finally know who I am.
The light in me honors the light in you. I want to know, what does life look like for you lately? What mini-awakenings have stirred up your spirit? How are you feeling? Let me know in the comments below. Much love to you soul fam.
