“Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again.”
– Simon & Garfunkel
In order to change our behavior, first we must examine our beliefs. This is easier said than done and often requires a willingness to confront our shadow self. The shadow is the aspect of us that society rejects. It is made up of our id, the primitive part of the personality that seeks instant gratification of pleasure. However, the shadow is not something that should be removed like a malignant tumor. It is as valid as any other part of who we are and it craves to be acknowledged.
Shadow work involves integrating and even embracing our shadow in order to become whole. As an interesting side note, treating Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder) is treated in much the same way. In addition to other therapeutic techniques, the therapist strives to integrate all of the separate personalities, known as “alters,” so that the person has conscious access to their complete self.
In Debbie Ford’s book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, she suggests an imagery exercise in which you visualize a meeting with your shadow self. Let your imagination run wild and fill in all possible details of what this rejected version of you might look like. I saw my shadow self as the combative and deeply unsettling Helena from the tv show Orphan Black. She emitted a malodorous odor and was surrounded by a cloud of buzzing flies, her eyes glinting darkly with malice and defiance.
The purpose of the exercise is to recognize the shadow self, and essentially fulfill the Hawaiian practice of forgiveness known as “Ho’oponopono.” You embrace your shadow self and forgive them, saying, “I love you, I forgive you, thank you, I’m sorry.” This gesture has tremendous healing potential if you hold a firm intention.
Some of the very qualities that you resent in yourself have the potential to be harnessed in constructive ways. For example, selfishness may seem like a negative quality. However, if perceived in a different light it can be viewed as an asset. If you have a tendency towards selfishness it is likely that you have firm boundaries and are willing to tell people “no” because you put yourself first.
If you put yourself first then you are also likely to avoid burnout and are in a position of strength to help others when you are called to do so. This is one of the highest forms of self care. Exercising firm boundaries is a gift and the result of a robust solar plexus chakra.
Make a list of the “less desirable” traits that you are prone to demonstrate and brainstorm how each alleged negative quality could also serve as a strength. Next, spend time thinking about how that trait may also be a detriment and try to reduce the instances in which it holds you back; harness it instead for the greater good when possible. This may take time and discipline and that’s okay. Be gentle with yourself.
Shadow work is about making the unconscious conscious aka shining a light on the darkness of our unintegrated selves. Do you have a strong emotional reaction to someone or something? Explore why. Often the very things that trigger us have a lot to teach us. The behaviors we fiercely renounce, judge or look down on are usually mirrors in which we see rejected pieces of our self.
